Anybody Needs Somebody
For the past few weeks, I’ve been exhausted. I’d forgotten how refreshing it feels to get up in the morning; instead, I was always tired. My sleeping schedule is the same as always, and I didn’t exhaust my physics during the day, so why am I exhausted shortly after waking up? It’s the same mundane routine activities, yet something has been bothering me for a while.
I’m not sure what I’m feeling these days. I have no other explanation than that the sensation I’ve been experiencing is void. A strange feeling that something isn’t quite right, but you can never pinpoint what it is. It does not prevent me from acting, but it does not help me improve my position. The emptiness merely lies there, preventing me from moving on.
What is eating me away? The uncertainty path that I’ve chosen? My past actions and my unwillingness to forgive me? The loneliness of the road of the solitary life, the sense that I’m gradually losing everything and everyone around me? Or is it the crippling fear of living?
Looking back, this solitude was and will never be a curse. Being alone doesn’t always equate to being lonely, but I will admit that I felt lonely once in a blue moon. That’s not the problem this time. I’m getting tired walking down this road. You know how you always push yourself to keep going, yet the ups and downs exhaust you? You can’t get up, so all you can do is stay put, which becomes quite comfy. Even if you know deep down that being stagnant is bad, you are unable to stand. Is this fear of moving forward?
After my breakup with my ex in 2019, I’ve been determined to pursue this path of solitude. I didn’t hesitate at all back then. I abandoned my indecision a long time ago. I had no idea that treading the path of life alone could be quite a challenge.
Whilst necessary to be prepared, brave, and capable of overcoming life’s dogshit hurdles, I realize that you cannot always be there for yourself. There will be times when you will require the help of another person to care for you, hold you, or carry you when you are unable to walk. You must also be present for others. To help, care for, and guide them down their own path.
Life can’t be a one-man show, whether it is a companion or a lover. Cherish that relationship.
That sense of being alone in the world suckass. No one is there to help you when you fall or when no one knows how to pick you back up. When you are anything but alone in the world. You are completely alone. This pain is so real and common.
Quoting Orwell’s 1984, Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood, I think people suffer more when they feel misunderstood. People feel alone when they can’t harbor their agony. They simply know nowhere or no one who can do things for them that they can’t do.
Everything starts to fall down by the time they realize they screwed up big time. Or it’s just a simple equation that they’re a mess. People know they’re miserable, their world is in shambles. They’re stoned out, knowing how powerless they are amidst their downfall. They need someone beside them. That person, capable or not, does not need to save the world. Perhaps that person was meant to watch it burn together. It’s reassuring to know you have someone on your side.
If it’s me, that someone would be you, Rin.
You somehow make me feel warm like I’m emotionally comfortable with you. You put me at ease. I can be messy, weird, and goofy. You understand me inside and out, and I feel safe being vulnerable in your presence. You saw right through me when you said that it’s easier for me to hear the negative things about myself first, rather than the positive.
Even though I’m a jerk who tells others they’re a dumbass when they do stupid things, a brutally honest truth junkie, I frequently walk casually across boundaries while seeing what others perceive as sensitive things to talk about as interesting things, and I talk about things complexly despite knowing that your head has a tendency to complicate things; I’m glad we met. We often argue and make fun of each other, but that’s one of the things I enjoy about being with you.
You understood me. And as I had said to you, being understood far exceeds being loved. I hope this lasts a little longer. I want us to last for a while. But, how long is a while, anyway? For starters, a thousand years isn’t such a bad idea, right?
Kab. Tangerang, March 19th 2023
M. Bayu Bajra
P.S. Holycrap did I confess to you again? Well, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? (:
P.P.S I miss our little talks. Life’s been giving me extra shits to keep up with the world, leaving me no chance for a breather ):
P.P.P.S. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve confessed to you. Ehe. ((:
